Spike Milligan and The Pytons's The animals of Farthing Wood
by Hansemist
Summary: A neish little spoof The Animals of Farthing Wood on the style of The Goon Show and Monty Python


The Goon Broadcasting Corporations presents:

The Goons and Monty Python's The Animals of Farthing Wood.

Not so based on the Books by Colin Dann

Slaughtered and butchered by Spike Milligan. Jr.

Narrator: The area of Farthing Wood was quiet and peacefull Place, all birds were singing, all the animals were gathering food and doing stuff animals normally do, then suddenly!...

*Whine followed by Explosion, crashing noises and trees breaking*

Narrator: The Toad was making his way to safety until he came to a clearing...

Toad: *exhausted* Finally made to safety…

Narrator: Meanwhile, all the other animals watched in horror and sadness as their beloved homes were destroyed one by one…

Worker: FIRE!

"bomb whine followed by explosion"

Weasel: *over grams* Ahahahahaha, looks like a huge welcome party?

Badger: "ignores Weasel" How Many homes have we…

*weasel laughs*

Badger: How many…..

"Loud Whine followed by explosion"

Owl: *over grams* WHAT!?

"explosions followed by machine noises, Crashes, vehicle traffic noises, steam train passing by, Machine Guns, horns, drilling and chainsaws, weird noises, etc..."

Badger:*over grams* HOW MANY HOMES HAVE WE LOST!?

"Loud explosions followed by machine noises, drilling, wobbly car horns, screams, drunken singing, 1930s-Jazz Music, weird noises, etc..."

Owl:*over grams* I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

"Machine Noises followed by Trees falling, car horns honking, Chainsaws, Cows Mooing, Sped-up and slowed-down 1930s-Jazz Music, Drunken Singing, yelling, Tone-deaf Brass Band, Construction vehicles, Vibratoed Boat Horns, vehicles crashing, Opera singing, Baby Crying, Monkeys Screaming, Sped-up and slowed down version of God save The King, weird noises, etc...".

Badger: *over grams* I SAID; HOW MANY HOUSES HAVE WE LOST!?

Owl: THREE SEMI-DETACHED BURROWS, 50 SQUIRREL HOMES, AND 49 FOX HOLES!

Badger: WHAT!?

"Whine followed by Fart and Crunch"

Owl: 50!

Badger: WHAAAT!?

Owl: FIFTY FOOX HOOOLES!

Badger: SHUT UP!

"All noises stop"

Owl: Three Semi-Detached burrows, 50 squirrel home, and 50 Fox Holes.

Badger: Chopping away every tree and still...

"Whine Followed by explosion"

Narrator: Meanwhile, all the other animals were gathered as they made it into the Badgers hole in the wall! The Animals were trying to discuss where to og to as toad was stuck outside in the chaos before him..

Toad: *over grams* *very exhausted* ALMOST THERE!

"steamroller sound effect"

Toad: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH...…

"crunching, long fart"

Narrator: Meanwhile back in the Cave!

Brave Fox: Where's Badger and Weasel? They should have been a couple of minutes ago!

Owl: I'm afraid Weasel and Badger died!...

Everyone: *gasps*

Fox: Don't tell me they were killed by an explosive potato…

Owl: Oh, this is awful

Fox: I think we might have to start without them… Is everyone here? Good! The reason why I called you here is that we are in a greater kind of distress!

Cockney Squirrel: Does it mean we get to sleep in coffee pots?

Everyone: NO!

Fox: We don't even live in Coffee pots!

Cockney Squirrel: *sad* Aw, I love living in a coffee pot!

Fox: We must come to one decision before it's too late!

Cockney Squirrel: Well, we could live around the corner in London?

Fieldmouse: But how are we supposed to make something out of this situation?

Fox: There should be a solution to this problem we are in right now! But since we don't have Badger we can't for any longer!...

"Muffled Vacuum Cleaner sound effect"

Fox: *over grams* There should be an alternative to this kind of danger, but since Badger, Weasel and Toad are all dead there no hope in trying to find an alternative solution to this problem!

Gran Squirrel: There is no solution to this problem, just wait for man to do it's worse!

Mr. Pheasant: Shut up!

Grandma Squirrel: Shut up!

Mr. Pheasant: Shut Up!

Grandma Squirrel: Shut up!

Mr. Pheasant: Shut up!

Mrs. Pheasant: Shut Up!

Grandma Squirrel: Shut up!

Mr. Pheasant: Shut up!

Weasel: SHUT UP!

Gran Squirrel: Where did you come from!?

Weasel: A locomotive sound effect?

Grand Squirrel: Shut up!

Fox: Shut Up!

Weasel: SHUT UP!

Fox: Not you!...

Mr. Pheasant: My Balls hurts!...

Fox: *ignoring Mr. Pheasant's moaning* Anyway as was saying, we're in a great kind of distress...

Gran Squirrel: What's distress?

Fox: *irritated* *sigh* It's when animals are in grave danger!

Gran Squirrel: What's a danger?

Everyone: OH, SHUT UP!

Gran Squirrel: Shut up!

Fox: SHUUUT UUUPP!

Gran Squirrel: Not you!...

Fox: Anyone Here who isn't an idiot raise your hand!

"Five minutes Muffled Vacuum Cleaner sound effects".

Fox: Uhm, let's just get with the...

"Whine followed by Explosion"

"Crashes"

"Glass Breaking"

Toad: *groans* Ohhhhh, I heard about a place... A place called... *groans* White Deer Park...

"Crowd Cheering"

Fox: Thanks! Thank you! That's enough!... SHUT UP!

"Abrupt Silence"

Weasel: Let's get a bloody move on, we haven't got all day!

Narrator: Then it was morning!

Narrator: And so The Animals set on a great journey, but not before stealing some leftover food from a nearby fast food store!

Weasel: Mmmmm... We should go there more often!...

Gran Squirrel: Shut up about the Fast Food and get moving we got to go!

Fox: Shut your bloody mouth!...

Gran Squirrel: Shut it yourself!

Fox: THIS IS NO TIME TO ARGUE...

"Tram speeding by abruptly"

Fox: WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM!?

Gran Squirrel: What!? You Mean that strange-looking electric rail carriage the popped out of nowhere? We see this all the time! You oughtta be more careful!...

Fox: *Angered* NEVER MIND THAT TRAM! THE SOONER WE WE'LL GET THE QUICKER QELL GET AWAY FROM THIS SCARILIDGE!

Gran Squirrel: What's a sacrilege!?

Fox: *irate sarcasm* NOTHING!

Badger: *in the distance* WAIT UP! WAIT FOR ME! *closer* Where have you been, I've been trying to chase you down!

Gran Squirrel: *horrified* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP!...

Fox: Calm down! Now ca... Now... There's no need...

Mrs. Rabbit: Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic!

Mr. Rabbit: What's gotten into her?

Fox: I have no idea...

Gran Squirrel: HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! WE'RE BEING FOLLOWED BY A GHOST!

Mr. Rabbit: There is no such thing as...

"faces Badger"

Mr. Rabbit: Ahh... HAAAA...*gulp* DO NOT PANIC! DO NOT PANIC! DO NOT PANIC! DO NOT PANIC!DO NOT PANIC! DO NOT PANIC!... *Countinious screaming terror*

Gran Squirrel: I TOLD YOU, GHOSTS DO EXIST!

Fox: THERE IS NO SUCH BLOODY THING YOU STUPID WOMAN!

Badger: I AM NOT DEAD YET!

Gran Squirrel: But, how can you be alive if you are still in heaven!?

Badger: I'm not dead!

Gran Squirrel: But you must be, the explosion made you into an angel!

Badger: I told you, I am still alive!

Gran Squirrel: Shut up you stupid little boy!

Mr. Pheasant: Shut it yourself!

Gran Squirrel: SHUT UP WHEN I SAID SHUT UP!

Fox: *irritated* SHUT UP!

Gran Squirrel: Not you!...

Fox: Nevermind, Let's just move on!...

Weasel: First, A party while destroying our forest! Then, a tram appearing out of a bush! What Next, Ray Ellington and his Orchestra?

"Max Geldray With Ray Ellington and His Orchestra-Once In Love with Amy"

Narrator: As the Animals were making their way across wast tall grass plain stretching for mile and miles, they suddenly came to a clearing!

"Edvard Grieg-Morning Mod, fade-out"

Fox: *exhausted* Finally came to a...

"Fart followed by Explosion"

"Fire burning"

Fox: NOT NOW!"#

Weasel: Guess it's too late to swear right now! Ahahahahaha...

"Whine followed by Fart"

Weasel: *muffled* OWWWWWW!...

Fox: Kestrel, can you send for help!?

Kestrel: Caw! Caw! I'll send for help as fast I can!

Narrator: While Kestrel was searching for help. The Firemen were trying to locate the fire!

Fireman Eccles: Look, up there!

Fireman Seagoon: Where!?

Fireman Eccles: Up there!

Fireman Eccles: Don't worry, I'll shoot it Down!

"Rifle Shot followed by Whine and then crash"

Fox: *annoyed* Great, now I have to go over and tell them!

Fireman Eccles: Look, over there!

Fireman Seagoon: Look, a talking fox! No wait, it's not even uttering a word!

Fireman Seagoon: What are you trying to say? Bluebottle fell in the water!? No, no wait there is a fire!? WHERE IS IT!?

Fireman Seagoon: THERE!? HANG ON THERE, I AM COMING!

Narrator: As the Firemen were trying to brave The Bushfire!

Postman Gumby: EXCUSE ME WHERE IS LORD CRYPE-ANALSUCKER-TUBA-POOLMAKER'S RESIDENCE!?

Fireman Seagoon: Take three fires Down left, second fire to the right!

Postman Gumby: THANK YOU!

Fireman Eccles: Nice feller!

Fireman Seagoon: Don't worry he'll make it out alive...

*urinating*

Fireman Eccles: Ahhhhh…. Feels much better!

Narrator: Not long after the fire was extinguished!

Fireman Seagoon: Good job, Eccles! We could never manage without you!

Narrator: Meanwhile the animals were making their way to a small farm, but this farm was run by a certain lord Arsefordly!

"machine gun sound"

Fox: *whispering* We better be careful, we don't want any trouble him!

"Distant Machine Gun sound followed by tree falling"

Narrator: Is this The End?

"Musical End Theme-Max Geldray with Crazy Rythm".


End file.
